What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 01:15
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
As i do to all so called friends.?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I write beautiful poetry .
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Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Ive learnt so much.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
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So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
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I waited trembling.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Why is social media so anti-fee speech, and have they become total BS?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Why does Filipino culture dictate that parents should be treated as gods?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And i lived it daily.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He knew the spot.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I was seconnd youngest,
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But, we were locked up after school.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My life is so biszare .
Im still living with it.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
We all went to grammer schools
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
This is soul school!.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
All the time i was locked up.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I could never make a relationship work though!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But ive been too sick for many years..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She wouldn,t have been !
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
So whats the point in blame.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Would this be the day?
So, i spoilt her more .
I was 9 years of age.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
(And it was in our own minds.)
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was scared of men, in general
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Especially a lifetime of it.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I never cut or harmed myself..
It was going to be , some day.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She married twice! .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Comes on , in middle age.
I will be 64.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Who then, do I blame.?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
What did i know ?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My family never makes their pension either.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
We were not on the streets..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I don,t even have a pension.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She found it foreign!.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was very sick at this time too.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I think the readers, may guess!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Put me off passion for life!!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I said to her
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I have no regrets .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I couldn’t, believe it.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She loved him until the end.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
One cannot live in the past .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But it wasn’t much.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She was in good health!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
When she asked me how she looked .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life